That’s right, R&M LFAB CC shirts have arrived in time for the end of the season! Shirts cost 20 Forint, Florins or Ecosse Francs, or whatever they call Scottish money these days. I’m looking forward to some attractive Leithers sending in provocative shots showing just how good these shirts are….

In a hastily convened press conference at a Portabello bus stop, club enigma Gavin Fisher insisted that while he ‘resorted to a small red wine on occasion’, he had never sought to sharpen his probing right armers with testosterone, human growth hormone or even an asthma inhaler. ‘It’s important to remember that many clean cricketers do well enough to get in the newspaper. Quite close to the crosswords in fact!’ A tired looking Alex Sutcliffe echoed Fisher’s sentiments but acknowledged ‘there’s a lot of pressure’ on ‘guys in their 30s, desperate for one more year in division 2.’

A forthright Rodney Mathos was less restrained. ‘I hate them. We should make them live in a flat above Priscilla’s for six months.’ He further asserted that ‘I’ve maintained my game, not to mention my hair, without resorting to chemicals!’ Although the wink suggested this was only half true, this symbol of the new, clean, generation brought the assembled media to tears.

Stories like this are what keeps people going in the mid to lower leagues of a niche sport in a country with the wrong weather. It almost makes you feel, that the next game of cricket you play, will be contested in a competitive, yet sporting, atmosphere. I hope this is true, though fear it’s more likely there will be no more doping scandals before they sip champagne on the Champs Elysees.

Twas  a dark rumbling rolling reticent sky that greeted the warriors as they crossed the mightly juncture that bound the great chasm between the Lothian and the dark dank fetid region known as fyfe. Folowing in the steps of the great one, the one known to us mortals as  byennie,  big byennie of  barnton.  Bold knight   Nathaniel turn and spoke to the wheelmaster and  he spoke thus

“Fuck me Fluendy this golf doesn’t half stink with the five of us and our kit in it.”

Twas  a dark rumbling rolling reticent sky that greeted the warriors as they crossed the mightly juncture that bound the great chasm between the Lothian and the dark dank fetid region known as fyfe. Folowing in the steps of the great one, the one known to us mortals as  byennie,  big byennie of  barnton.  Bold knight   Nathaniel turn and spoke to the wheelmaster and  he spoke thus

“Fuck me Fluendy this golf doesn’t half stink with the five of us and our kit in it.”

Twas  a dark rumbling rolling reticent sky that greeted the warriors as they crossed the mightly juncture that bound the great chasm between the Lothian and the dark dank fetid region known as fyfe. Folowing in the steps of the great one, the one known to us mortals as  byennie,  big byennie of  barnton.  Bold knight   Nathaniel turn and spoke to the wheelmaster and  he spoke thus

“Fuck me Fluendy this golf doesn’t half stink with the five of us and our kit in it.”

And so, our heroes, the Redpath and McLean Leith Franklyn Academical Olyde Beige II’s  crossed the Forth Road Bridge and raced toward Fife and their Appointment with East of Scotland league division 5 counterparts Falkland III’s

Reduced to ten men because of weakness in the ranks but mainly the repulsive timidity of Steven Middleton, the lads bravely soldiered on before arriving at the green campas among the secluded dales of the seductive Lomond hills known to the shy of sex as “the Twa paps of Fyffe. Twas here, readers, that two great armies would do battle - and battle they did for 89.2 great overs of unselfish endevour. Endevour that wouldn’t be known to shybladders, the likes  of watt and the one known only as G  - those that had already given their shy hearts away. Away in the face of prospect of battle equal or better than their own but now happy to pick on lesser talents like school blowhards picking on the lesser, the  weaker ,and yes, fellow readers…  the younger.

Still battle the ten men did and lost in that fine last over.. a fine last over that never have need been. Still our is not to reason why ours is but to whine and dye…

Ye Olde Leige 180 –8  Thar blows the Falkland III’s 183 -7

Leith made a poor showing of a reply and got there for the loss of 8 wickets with Rana, Heinitz and Mathos all scoring 20s. The fact we reached our target with 18 overs to spare, and that 9 of the 10 batsman who faced a ball hit boundaries, sums up the difficulties we create for ourselves at times when greater application (not least from youre truly) may serve us better.

Rana 3 points

Mathos 2

Brewis 1

Samir Patel 1

Special mention to Samir for coming into the side at short notice, taking a great catch to dismiss the divisions highest run scorer, and a cool head to finish off the game. 

Thornton now playing for Peebles County 2nds watched from slip as his side rolled Fab 3rds over for just 49 with no batting performances to speak of. A quick turnaround was taken and despite Middleton’s best efforts taking 3 for 11, he was unable to remove the experienced Tavare like Thornton who steered his side through to their target for the loss of just 4 wickets. Ali Watt made a rare appearnce and also bowled well with 1 for 9 but it was all in vain thanks to Thronton.

‘I always said it was easy to lay that Middleton’s bowling. He bowls well but won’t get an old stager like me out’, proclaimed Thornton after the match. Leith’s skip Grant Yorke commented,’ stick it up your arse’, when asked if the defeat was largely due to a poor batting performance,’eh actually I was not out’,butted in Fisher who bowled utter pish.

So back to the drawing board for the 3rds who face an away trip to the Panning Priests this Saturday.

The tournament takes place on Saturday 26th July at kettering and is to be screened by Setanta Sports. A spokesman for Setanta had this to say,’we are naturally devastated that ‘The Pressure’ will not be taking part, we were hoping for him to reach the fianl stages and pull in the viewers. Maybe we can cover the cricket at the Links’? 

More impressively the last 2 wins were achieved with players who have not recently been in Leith first eleven.

The first match on June 4 opened the re vamped Masterton/Cow Corner Trophy with a second cup game of the season against Kirk Brae. This witnessed an excellent batting display form a strong team, with exceptional contributions form Pavan Vajihala (41) and Tariq of 32, but featured an innings in which all batsmen contributed. Kirk Brae also contributed a significant total of extras and LFAB reached a score in excess of 150 in 18 overs (supplemented by 4 overs of wide sand no balls from Kirk Brae) – this being due to uncharacteristic score book discrepancies and alleged failure of Kirk Brae to inform the scorers of bowling changes. But given the Leith innings had not finished until after 8 pm and 152 seemed a match winning score this was maybe a blessing in disguise! The Kirk Brae innings prove unspectacular as the only batsmen they had who might have been capable of pulling off a tough ask were dismissed cheaply, and they ended up proceeding sedately on 71-5 of 20 overs, Middleton being the pick of the Leith bowling.

Next up in the midweek cups were perennial rivals Scottish Widows in the second round of the Parks Trophy on June 9. Scottish Widows were batted first on a windy evening and new boy Brewis gave Leith an excellent start by clean bowling previously prolific scorer at Leith Links Eddie “Eagle” Edwards cheaply. Watsonians national league player Euan Robertson batted well for 40 but never got fully into rhythm and slow outfield and three wickets from Ben Wood restricted Scottish Widows to 96-6 of 20 over, Middleton and Sutcliffe also bowling manfully into the wind (in Middleton’s case for 1 over!).

While this was normally a gettable total Leith’s batting on paper did not appear to be to strong. Peter Tweedie and Murray McKean batted for 8 overs after Linklater went for duck and after 10 overs Leith were behind the run rate at 33-1 mainly due to economical bowling by Robertson. Veteran Scott Miller then brought himself on for high pitched off spinners in the gathering gloom and could consider himself unfortunate when McKean survived a stumping appeal in 2 economical overs for 6 runs. Peter was then bowled and captain on the night Wahid Rana promoted himself to 4 in a bid to keep his 100% midweek captaincy record intact but he never got going and was soon caught on the boundary and returned to umpire and shortly saw McKean depart for an excellent 20. This soon led to controversy when he was accused by a Scottish Widows player of allowing a 7 ball overs despite the assurances from other umpire (Ben) and scorers to the contrary, and he became involved in a lengthy “debate” on this - so lengthy that it continued into the next over when from the first ball Jamie Brewis was run out going for a second run and there was no square leg umpire to give decision as Wahid was talking to the fielder! Decision was ultimately agreed as out and this brought in Stevie Middleton in an appropriately named “pressure” situation. However Stevie and Alex rose to the occasion and saw Leith home at the start of the last over, featuring 2 magnificent sixes over long on from Alex and a wonderfully executed leg pull over the mid wicket boundary for 6 near the allotments from Middleton to send Leith ahead of the run rate. Alex Sutcliffe then helped himself to some 4s from some poor bowling on the leg side and finished on 30 not out as LFAB reached 97-5 of 19.3 overs to claim an always valued .

Next up in the midweek cups were Scottish and Newcastle in the Terry Newcombe trophy with both sides approaching game in confident mood, despite again being under strength Leith having eliminated the holders Standard Life and Scottish and Newcastle having scored over 220 in the previous round.

LFAB Win by 4 wickets! Scottish and Newcastle 135-6 Saaed 82 Wood 2 wickets
LFAB 136-5 Nettleton 70 not out

Members and shareholders of Leith FAB were said last night to be in a panic over the lack of reporting going on at Leithcricketclub.co.uk.

Club treasurer Benjamin ‘Netanyahu’ Wood commented,’hmm this simply isn’t good enough. Frank Simpson has gone on holiday and Bill Borders is doing this piece, this leaves nobody else writing anything of any interest to anyone’. David ’second spell’ Higgins replied,’ the problem is, apart from Simmo nobody writes anything worth reading anyway’.

Last night an emergency committee meeting had an all night sit-in to discuss emergency measures, these included recylcling old stories from as far back as the days of Willie Hermiston and even the possibility of the return of cricketing bogs. Ex Leith star and cricketing bogs founder Alistair Dee was last night up in arms about the whole thing,’cricket bogs holds legendary status at Leith, and I will block any attempt to bring it back in anything other than it’s original form’, he exuded.

So come on FAB members, get writing those articles to keep the site up and running. Oh and by the way the 1sts and 3rds won at the weekend the 2nds on the other hand, didn’t.

“Raah ha ha ha ha! And if you think that’s funny – did I ever tell you that I was the tallest wicketkeeper at Eton Ra ha ha ha ha!”

 - And there I was in the back of Uncle Archie’s rover rushing, heart a gushing, across the forth road bridge and over to the Kingdom of Fife. The silver haired six and half footer flooring the sumptuous v8 three and a half engine and it responding with a menacing and reassuring throaty roar like the man himself.

Ra hah ha ha ha ha! He chortled again his pipe dangling at a ridiculous angle from his experienced mouth. The smell of golden Virginia seemed to refresh an already existing scent of pipeswill that seemed ingrained in the 1970’s leather upholstery of a quality seldom, and unfortunately rarely seen these days. “Ra Hah ha ha ha ah ah!” he boomed again changing down to third and uplifting the engine whilst moving past the ship inn on main street Limekilns. Ha! This is my country, my people The land of the earls of Elgin – we’re on our eleventh now - but it was the fifth that envisaged this place and the seventh that built it.” I didn’t realise it at the time but, even though we were moving through Limekilns his mind was racing a full kilometre ahead to the picturesque hamlet of Charlestown – which for this day was to be the background for our days game of athletic endeavour and my debut for the Leith beige II’s cricket team – just think of it me Paul Bilkington playing for the Leige! What a dream…

That dream was shattered in an instant as Uncle Archie let one rip in the front seat his bowels seemed to ignite with the upholstery and create what we lads referred to as  ‘ a real Bronx cheer” now registered as a trademark for the ‘whoopee’ cushion brand I believe. They haven’t, however, I’m pleased to announce managed to recreate the odour involved – thank heavens for golden Virginia and thank the god lord for Archie Linklater our form master at the Leith links academy for churlish boys. I remember well in my formative years it was the then, dark haired giant, that showed us, at great length, sometimes taking as much as four hours to demonstrate, eventually, after a while, the total, total, necessity of the…forward defensive – “I’m a big lad – and just look at my shape” he would ejaculate whilst hulking forward of the crease defying anything of 5 and a half ounces to pass within bat and pad. Strange now though, it seems, whilst reflecting, it’s something that I’ve never really taken on board – that’s Bilkington for you though.

Arriving at the ground was no genteel affair either Uncle Archie deciding that the Rover should be put through it rally pedigree paces with a genuine 180 on the outfield ending in a perfect parking position between two of the opposition’s cars – if the owners had any concerns they failed to raise them as Archiebald raised himself to his full height whilst alighting the rover exclaiming “yes, John Le Mesuriuer, he would say that - that’s soooo Hugo Fluendy just ask Jill Dando or Ron Dennis!”

 All stuff far from my mind as I followed my new found companions onto the field the captain having won the toss and choose to field. And fielding it was too! 304 – 8.  That’s quite a total isn’t it? Wickets were expensive and difficult to come by “the silent assassin Saurabh Gutpta being the most frugal at 2-30 others less so Captain “manwearing ’ McKean at 3- 66. Seasoned campaigner Dicks, enthusiastic paceman Samir ‘Sammy’ Patel and Mr methane picking up a wicket a piece to place their names in the scorebook. Mention must go to Mr Ben wood who uncharacteristically failed to take a wicket, which, alongside a lack of dedicated field grunting must have surprised the dedicated throng of seven or so very vocal female ‘Bennifer’ fans that had chosen to take the long trip over from the Burgh. Soon to be married Ben is still I believe available for hen parties and as I was informed by Steven ‘ Vocanus tubus eruptus’ Middleton that  “If you want the wood – you can get the wood.” That Mr Middleton is quite a rake and quite a temper I hear – you wouldn’t want six of the tawse of him – that’s what the lads at the academy say anyway. Some of them that is: others just say he’s a tubby fool,

 During the break some of the older lads went for a smoke while the rest of us drank cordial.   When they came back they seemed very relaxed - it still amazes me how a mere cigarette can calm the soul.

 Batting was mixed affair with Uncle Archie going for a duck along with Hugo ‘the cad’ Fluendy Mr Methane got into his twenties McKean into his thirties and dicks into his sixties. Weather caught up with us though and the game was abandoned when I was into my twenties not out under the careful tutelage of Uncle Archie – who was by now in a very ponderous mood furiously smoking his pipe and changing the scoreboard with great intent.  The game was gone but the Liege had gained full batting points and ten of a possible twenty. Travelling back was exciting between uncle Archie’s darkening mood,  cronic flatulence and the speedometer hitting a hundred and ten on several occasions – I didn’t know if I be able to keep my cordial down Things brightened though when we got back to Uncle Archie’s estate in Gorgie and went his local ale house ‘Stratfords.’ “Fine day Landlord how about four flaggans of ale for these thirsty young men eh landlord!” he boomed across the busy floor, “Fuck off you posh twat.” Replied the heavily tattooed owner.

After mulling over a plethora of high quality entries the judges narrowed it down to 2. Rolf and Picard liked the Fab 52 variation which was entered at the last minute with The Doctor undecided and Madeley going for the painfully poor Dicks MSPaint engineered design. After knockign back 20  more voddys The Doctor eventually was persuaded by Rolf and Picard and the FAB 52 design wins. winning designer Steven ‘Middsie(the Pressure)’ Middleton wins a bottle of Mateus Rose, a Blue Peter badge and of course his design put into print, 2ndplace dicks wins 2 bottles of mateus Rose and a boot up the arse for an all round poor effort.

The winning design is pictured below and will be available to buy soon. We want some customer feedback as to what colour t and design etc you’d like to see.