Leith Franklin Academicals Beige Cricket Club

The rain, they say, in Spain, they inform, falls mainly, and for the most-part, they explain, on the plain.

In Leith `however it normally falls just when things are getting interesting. And so it was when a new look Leith Beige 2’s took to the field against A sartorially superb Falkland. On a pitch that merely required to be used by the bowlers but rarely was this shiny 2’s outfit started well. After embarassing himself at 1st slip missing a ‘ballooner’ the big fellow seemed to travel inwards like an awkward primary school student on their first day at college, soon afterwards though, the large welcoming JCB like hands of Archiebald adolf Heinz-Haraldo Frenzen greyfox Linklater picked up a sharp catch low down at the same position - right overcoming wrong. The six and a half footer was converted from shy new start to gleeful smoker behind the bikesheds Whether the hands are working entirely separate from the body is something we might never know - until your narrator gets that lottery grant- but on this occassion all was well- 1st blood to Prasanth. Line and length was not term that could be applied to leiths attack this balmy afternoon but a perhaps, over cautious, Falkland failed to take great advantage and wickets started to fall without troubling the mathematical geniuses that had been employed, at great exspense, to score this mid table tussle. The pick off the bowlers would have to be parvan whose miserly 1-10 off nine over keep one end noiseless for the centre of the game. An increasingly enthusiastic Barry ‘Xerox’ lewis made a good return to the game gaining a wicket in his second over and indeed ‘the yips’ in his fifth - take a break Lewis. A mixed bag of deliveries resulted in two wickets for presanth Patel, one of three Patels available on the day, and new boy Anket whose protection of stomach also resulted in a quick take at silly mid off. Numbers 8 and nine (Capt and seasoned campaigner) were starting to build the only real partnership of the day. Running out of bowlers and ideas a reluctant McKean, encouraged by the ever ebullient wicketkeeper Imram Hammed, took to the crease himself and, worryingly as this will only encourage him, picked up two wickets in his first over then 11 runs in the second. But it was enough and, under threatening noisy skies,the last Falkland wicket fell soon afterwards. All out 114 after 40.2 overs - a target. Lunch was taken and the ‘rassle dassle’ of the Indian premier League largely ignored - it’s just lads in their pyjamas ‘having a go’. This second outfit being more traditional in their tastes. Then it was down to more serious matters and into our own monchrome protection systems and out to the crease.

First Up Archie ‘Bypass buspass Saul Robert highbrow lowbrow Robert Bertie’ Linklater who seemed at ease at the crease pouncing on a few early bad balls sending them twice over the newly bought costly looking rope - doubling the boundary tally for the whole day. Aided by the attractive straight bat of Parvan they took the total into the 20’s before Patel was caught out driving by a good diving catch at mid off made all the more difficult by a rapidly wettening outfield and ball. Brucey ‘Bruce’ Brucey Johnstone was up next and looking upwards was in half a mind to cancel the sumptious barbecue he had been preparing , at great exspense to local taxpayers and Corneilius Waugh, a feast laden with shrimp and fine wine and ales, an array of food so vast that Gods, Ancient Romans and Jonny Vegas might leave the table with’ a tear in their een’

It wasn’t long though before thunder lightening and increasingly consistent raindrops were to force both captians to agree to leave the arena of play and head back to the Garish decoration that once had been a clubhouse and was now scene of a romanesque orgy of food and drink - cries off ’shall I throw another couple of hundred dozen shrimp on the barbie’ resounding all around almost as loud as the accompanying thunder - one has to wonder were the gods angered by their lack of invite to this Dionysion odessey. In fact it is a good job that our dinner ladies including the ever delightful Evelyn and Ann are of ‘a certain age’ as surely if in their youth, with the wine flowing and the newly installed Bang and Olufsen rising, rousing and rumbling, our ‘recently refurbished’mood enhancement light system in ‘full effects’ they would soon be be swirling and dancing like dervishes and bereft of their tighter clothing and the upcoming Leith festival looming large in the background, out onto the links accompannied by Brucey on his ‘diggery do’ like some sort of exotic transvestite dance troupe with nothing more than pleasure and its derivatives on their minds. Then up past Easter Road stadium and it’s amateur efforts, clothes barely visible- mere minor rags of decency -their minds still embroiled in deep set pleasure handed down over the ages from druid to drone to druid to drone,then further, still further, on up to Bar Utopia for finallly, finnally, finally an actual ‘cold’ pint of Tennents and an over-priced selection ‘deluxe’ spirits.

Owing to the adult nature of this match report readers under the age of 28 are respectfully asked not to read any further.

Points mean prizes
3 points to Parvan for consistent bowling, style at the
crease and enthusiastic fielding
2 points to the team for good all round fielding
1 point to Linklater for steady batting
1 point to Mckean for cheesey wicket taking

Leith